AVM's cleaning tips

#1. Got baby wipes? You know those plastic pains in the ass things that are supposed to be more convient but you end up having to open it cause when you pull one wipe out another one doesn't pop up. Yeah those things are great for organizing just about anything and you can paint them or cover them with pretty paper to make them match any decor.

#2 Have a baby that crawls? Stick a dry swiffer pad on there stomach and watch the floor get swept up!

#3 Marker, pen, or something random that your not quiet sure what it is? If it doesn't come off with a Mr. Clean Magic eraser it probably isn't coming off... I recommend either buying the really expensive white paint or just give your kid white finger paints and let them have at. You get white walls they get to finger paint win win right? Oh but you can try Dirty Jobs lime green alien piss looking cleaning stuff that works great too. 

#4- Craft supplies can be a bitch to organize this is where I love the dollar store. Dollar General sells little baskets and I can get 3 for a dollar they are small and fit in a drawer then you can put your craft supplies where you need to and see them at the same time. They have small ones and long ones think of it a a silver wear tray for your craft supplies. 

#5. Hey guys did you know, there is nothing sexier then a man who does the dishes or laundry. Help your woman and you will probably get a blow job and/or laid. Ladies, don't be above bribery I know I'm not!

#6 When cleaning if you come a crossed something that is broken or you don't need anymore get rid of it!  I know this is a novel concept but some people can't let shit go and it just creates clutter. Don't keep it for a yard sale put it in a box and take it to goodwill or salvation army or your local womans shelter and get rid of it. Or put it in the trash if it isn't something some can use. This goes for toys too I go through their toys and get rid of shit a couple times a year cause half the shit is either broken or they don't play with it anymore. 

#7 You know when you buy new sheets and they come in these plastic re-closeable bags which is funny like you are ever gonna get them bitches to fold down like they did in the package right? Well instead of tossing them out reuse them! I have stored crap like my sons hot wheels cars in one bag toy soldiers in another I have a big comforter bag for their blocks. This keeps everything together! It also works for Mr. Potato head parts and storing other toys that have a lot of parts. 

#8 Boxes, I love to hate boxes but they have their uses. I have used a box to store all my kids movies, boxes for storing toys in boxes to store seasonal cloths. You can get cloth boxes for use on shelves to store things. Boxes to organize my spices and various other non-perishable food items. Boxes to organize my beauty supplies by type of supply so that everything is in one spot. But boxes can be a pain in the ass. Put to much stuff in it or if things are to heavy they fall apart on you. Yes I love to hate boxes. 

#9 Don't dry dust! This just spreads the dust into the air for it to settle somewhere else. Plus you inhale that shit *gag* always use a wet cloth to dust. You really don't need any of those "dusting" products out there. A clean damp cloth works great. 

#10 Have fun while you clean, if you have fun dancing around singing at the top of your lungs or turn it into a game for yourself you're more likely to 1. Do it 2. Do it well 3. Do it again. 

Eye care for the little ones

You know what I hate... glasses for kids... you know why I hate them... because they are not indestructible.

My son is 4 years old and he wears glasses see -->

Cute little bugger but let's talk eye doctors. His first appointment went fantastic he loved all the different things there this was a lot better then most of his doctors appointments go. They told us he needed glasses that he has horrible vision and astigmatism in one eye. Luckily we have insurance right? Wrong they told us it would be three months to get him a pair of glasses because we have the state insurance. So we bought a pair, 60 bucks I was excited this included the lenses and everything score one for the mommy and they were in an awesome blue color that he loved. In the meantime we ordered a pair of glasses with the insurance and got them 3 months later. So an hour after his appointment my little man walks out with glasses on his face. Now we were warned that he may not want to wear them all the time blah blah blah he took right to them I was thrilled this was one fight I got to avoid. So last month little man had another appointment this time they wanted to dilate my 4 year old's eyes. This was not fun it took three of us to hold him down to get the drops in his eyes and then he was miserable for hours after. Turns out he had worse vision then they thought. Now originally they only gave him half the prescription well this time around they told me the prescription was double what they had originally thought and that if his vision was any worse he would be legally blind. So I thought okay they still have the 60 dollar pair of glasses I'm good I can afford this and we will order a second pair from the insurance (I will get to why this is important in a min) well turns out insurance only covers 1 pair of glasses a year for kids and his glasses needed to be special ordered it would be almost 200 bucks. WOAH 200 bucks? I can't afford that! My mother in law however found him a place that ordered his glasses for 70 bucks thankfully.

Now why do I keep mentioning a second pair. For people that don't have kids or don't have more then one kid.  Little kids break things and when one child has something the other kid wants it in the worst possible way. My 2 year old wants her brothers glasses and she likes to rip them off his face randomly then she twists them and breaks them and I end up spending more money every few weeks to fix them. So a 60 dollar pair of glasses has cost me well over 200 in the past 6 months. So a second pair lets me hold off getting the other pair fixed until I have a little money well now I can't afford that second pair... So far she hasn't broken this set but my mother in law was smart she got the super flexible glasses these do not make them impervious to little toddler hands but it does make them a little harder to break.

Now comes the fun part, you know glasses get dirty all those little finger prints not to mention mud, food, and sticky crap get on the lenses and that is almost a certainty with a young kid that there will be something on his glasses. He wont let me clean them.... like really kid let me just let me clean them up a little you will see better but no... I am not allowed to clean them anyone else can but not mommy. I don't get it. What the hell gives?

All in all having kids that need glasses at a young age sucks... and I hate it. But don't tell him that he loves his glasses cause he can see better.

Does anyone hear me?

This is a tell all kinda deal. See not much is known about how Military Sexual Trauma or MST is handled in the Military maybe if a enough people know about my experience they can stand up and make sure that other victims and survivors get better treatment.

In the Military there are two kinds of reporting. There is you Restricted and Unrestricted reporting. The basic definition of each has been explained on my face book page before but here is another brief explanation. Restricted means that a victim receives medical and mental health care but there is no charges, chain of command is left out of the loop, and the attacker gets away with it scot free.  Unrestricted means there is a report filed with the military police and a case is opened evidence is collected, chain of command is notified, mental and medical treatments are made available as well. 

Now on to my tell all. I waited a month to report what happened to me. It was never explained the different ways to report rape so I went to my Sgt. Wait I am getting ahead of myself, I waited a month because the guy was in my unit and he had threatened to kill me. I had sought medical treatment but lied and said I had fallen and that was why I was so beat up. They didn't question it, though they really should have.. Anyway, he started making more advnaceds I got scared so I went AWOL for a few days until a girl from my unit called me and said he had left the unit and was coming to find me. I went back and went to my sarg and told him everything. The man cried when I told him and sent me to the unit SARC (which happened to be another male) - Sexual Assault Response Coordinator. That was when I was informed of the different choices however since I made my initial report to my sarg those choices were taken from me it was an automatic unrestricted report. All because I didn't know I had to talk to the SARC to make it restricted. So, with that I was sent to CID-Criminal Investigations Division where a female civiilan SARC met up with me. It took me three hours to tell them everything answer all their questions through the tears and panic attacks I kept having. After that was all done they sent me back to my unit. I was a wreck, emotionally, physically  and mentally. I had been keeping so much in and now that it was out.

As the days went by I got worse and worse my nightmares got bad, I was having constant flash backs, and my anxiety level was through the roof just waiting for him to come back and kill me like he had promised. I was sent to mental health where they weren't interested in giving me support and help but more worried about getting me on meds and sending me back to my unit. This didn't help, I was separated from my support system, my family and friends. I felt so alone and no one wanted to help me. The news of what happened spread like wild fire it always does in units everyone knows.

Then it started, the abuse by my peers. In formations I would get shoved, during PT I would get pushed or tripped. There were nasty comments thrown around "How could she do that to him" "She probably asked for it" "He could never do something like that" "He is such a good guy shes just ruining his life" and much much more. I got called a slut, a whore, and even had guys coming up to me grabbing my ass or chest as they walked by. I was losing it, I couldn't stand to be around people anymore without having a crippling anxiety or panic attack. This got me in to trouble with my command they didn't want a soldier who was losing her mind so I got written up a few times. Then the news came that I was being forced out. I felt like I was losing everything. By this time I had started talking to my now husband on the phone we had grown close but I hadn't told him until the night that I tried to kill myself. I wasn't talking much I was depressed and frustrated with everything and I was thinking about killing myself. I told him everything and then when it was time to hang up.... I told him how I felt about him how I had always felt about him and told him good bye because I wanted him to know before I died. He got worried, I had gone into the shower and wasn't answering my phone and there I slit my wrists open. He called my command and they found me in the shower. I was told later that if they had been any later I probably would have succeeded. I spent two days in the hospital where they gave me blood and more pills. Then I was sent back to my unit. After that they were in a rush to get me out before x-mas and they succeeded. I left December 13th. They dropped me at the airport and that was it.

If I had gotten the help I needed, if someone had stopped and paid attention to the woman in pain maybe I could have stayed in and I wouldn't be this bad off six years later...

The problem with guns is...

I have spoken at length about Sexual Assault and what I been through. There is talk about gun control and banning guns every time a criminal decides to shoot people. The second amendment states that as citizens we have the right to bare arms. Not only would taking away the right to have a gun put more people in danger, it would make criminals more excited to get them. Case in point prohibition...

Anyway, I am an Army Veteran obviously if you didn't know that by now your an idiot. So I was trained how to shoot and how to shoot to kill. This is a very useful thing if you are at war or some dumbshit breaks in to your house. Honestly lets look at this logically, if more law abiding citizens have guns then the criminals would be less likely to fuck with them, because they never know if they are gonna get shot or not.

Now lets see, we have put sever restrictions on how people can buy guns yet somehow the mother fuckers that want to kill people still get a hold of guns so what makes anyone think that banning guns is going to solve the problem of the criminals getting a hold of them because criminals really listen to the law and bans on anything. Case in point illegal DRUGS come one people use some fucking common sense, there seems to be a lack of that shit in this fucking country.

Anyway, here is a little criminal justice education for you there are two kinds of models for controling criminal behavior. There is the due-process model this is where we are right now. Due-Process model is just like how it sounds an emphasis on due-process and the rights of the accused. This is the innocent till proven guilty, aww I'm sorry the police officer punched you when you resisted a lawful arrest here have a ice pack and some money please don't sue. While I am all for the rights of the accused the due process model leans more towards rights then to controlling crime. Which leads me to the Crime Control Model! Yeah this is the "oh you're resisting arrest" *punch* "Aww that's too bad big baby" this is where the suspected child molesters and rapists and murders get the shit beat out of them cause no one gives a shit... Not saying that really happens just an example. This is a get the criminals by any means necessary kinda deal. We cycle through these due process and crime control models depending on what is going on in the word currently. With due process law enforcement professionals have their hands tied and must be careful because the rights of the accused are of the highest priority even if the cop caught them in the act. Let's find a happy medium people that lets the law enforcement do their jobs while still protecting rights.

The most annoying children's shows out there

This is an on going list of the most annoying/creepy/ or all around strange children's shows out there.

Lazy Town: This show is on sprout and features a super hero named Sporticus, a little girl named Stephanie, a bad guy named Robbie Rotten and a bunch of creepy ass looking puppet dolls. This show was written to get kids active and eating healthy foods while the bad guy tries to get everyone to be lazy and eat junk food. This show creeps me out to no end... Dawn Michelle from my facebook page mentioned this one as well. 

Dirt Girl World: Probably one of the more creepy shows I have seen. This show teaches about growing plants and how to care for them. It also teaches about friendship and composting. This show makes the list do to the creepy nature of the characters like seriously have a look for yourself.  




Next up is Yo Gabba Gabba: Featured regularly are the use of visual reminiscent of retro video games and TV shows. This one with have the young ones up and dancing for hours on end much to their parents uhh.. delight.. No sieriously this show drives me nuts and we don't watch it in our house. Thanks to Krista and Rocko for bringing this one up on my facebook page! 

Telletubies: The show everyone loves... to hate... this show drives me crazy and is one of the all time most annoying shows around. There was a huge controversy over whether the purple telletubby was gay... To be honest who the hell cares the show sucks anyway. While it has some educational value and the kids love it this one too goes unwatched in my house. 

Adventure Time: While I have not had the umm... pleasure of watching this one it was mentioned on my facebook page by Rachel Grace and Melissa. So I went and looked up this show and it turns out that it is about some 14 year old kid and his magic dog in a post-apocalyptic future after a nucular war. To be honest this show sounds like it would suck. 

The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack: Oh my god I hate this show. This one is about some kid and a talking whale that apparently raised him and Cap'n Knuckles. Flapjack is annoying as hell Kunckles makes me want to bash my brains out because he is such an idiot and always getting flapjack into trouble. Not to mention he lies, cheats, steals. All things I really want my kids to see! Yeah this show makes my list of worst shows ever! 

Chowder: This one is about a 10 year old kid who is an apprentice to an idiot chef. Chowder is a purple cat bear rabbit thing that doesn't do as hes told and gets himself and everyone else in trouble. Another show that teaches great morals and ethics... Yeah and also Chowder stuffs his face all the time and complains and whines when he is asked to do something and always finds some short cut that bites him in the ass. 

Barney: I can't think of a single parent I know that likes this show. Course it is a hit with the kids it's been around since I was a kid... 1987 to be exact... This show has all sorts of wonderful messages and fantastic educational stuff so why is it that parents hate this show so much. Three words: The Purple Dinosaur... now I don't know about you but when I think dinosaur I don't think big, fluffy, fun loving, squishy dinosaur. I think rawr bitch I'm gonna eat you. No they have turned this dinosaur into a pussy that sings "I love you" yeah one of the most annoying shows EVER. 

My number one most annoying show though is... Caillou.. Cathy from my page hit it right on the head with this one. This show drives me up the wall. The 4 year old kid is whiny, self centered, he has a bald ball shaped head and whines until he gets his own way and then my kids pick up this behavior and copy it. Oh yeah I hate this show with a passion the educational value of it is negated by the annoying bratty ass 4 year old who I just want to reach through the TV and bitch slap. Go back to Canada fucking loud mouth kid. 

Things to do when your kid wont sleep at night

So this isn't a how to get your kid to go to sleep this is a list of things mommy can do to keep herself sane when your kid wont sleep at night. 

1. Rearrange your shoes by color coordination and how often you wear them

2, Go through your underwear drawer and fold them then arrange them by color, type, size, and how often you wear them (because if you are like me you have a few pairs that are larger then your regular ones for that time of the month.) While you are at it toss out any that you don't wear anymore. 

3. Two words, Drink Coffee. If you arn't a coffee drinker now is a good time to start. 

4. Buy ear plugs. For those nights that your toddler is just screaming his or her head off ear plug will save your ear drums. 

5. Learn to knit or crochet, this is great because you can make something productive while the kid refuses to sleep. Think along the lines of a gag... 

6. Learn a second language, that way you can yell at the kids later in the second language and confuse the hell out of them. 

7. Go through your kitchen and rearrange everything, organize your spices, throw out all that tupperware that you can't find the lids to or can find lids but not the container. 

8. Rearrange your pantry into alphabetical order, then when you next cook and have the kid crammed up your ass you can use this as a learning tool. 

9. Learn how to sleep walk, or should I say relearn. You remember those early days you felt like you were asleep on your feet and you were able to make it through. This would be a good time to remember how to do that. 

10. All those shows that have been piling up on your DVR now would be a great time to watch them. 

11. Read a book, that is if the kid allows this, check with your little boss before you attempt this because I tried and my kid kept taking my book away. 

12. Duct Tape... Just saying this could be of use in securing the kid to their bed so that you can get a little shut eye you will need the ear plugs so that you don't hear them scream. (note to reader I would never really do this) 

So there you have it my top 12 things to do when your kid wont sleep. 

Do not laugh I repeat do not laugh!

This morning was like any other morning. I got up I fed the kids changed the dirty pull up and was settling in for an uneventful day. I wasn't feeling all that well and when I woke my husband up I asked if I could lay down for an hour and he said sure.

An hour later my husband comes in to wake me and says "Your daughter learned a new word, I'm sorry" he says as hes trying not to bust up laughing and failing miserably.

That's when I heard it, the little voice from the other room says "Bullshit" really... then a few seconds later "bullshit" followed by a chorus of giggles. At this point I too am having a hard time not laughing.  As little miss walks into the room she looks up at me and says "Mommy I learned a new word, bullshit" so I bit the inside of my lip really hard and tried so hard not to laugh.

"Honey that is a bad word, little girls don't say that word." I tell her, she turns around and looks at me thoughtfully then says... "Bullshit" at this point the inside of my lip is bleeding and my husband is snorting with laughter. I give him a glare that says. 'Knock it the fuck off before I beat you to a bloody pulp you arn't helping so leave the room' yeah cause my looks are just that damn good I can convey a message like that.

Why didn't I just laugh it off? Because laughter makes her think it's funny. Laughter makes her think it's okay to use that word. If she were 15 or 16 I probably wouldn't have a problem with it but a 2 year old should NOT swear. As I try to explain to the 2 year old that this is not okay to be saying that word, she keeps repeating it and giggling cause to her this shit is funny.

Finally I get the kid to stop saying it and we go about our day running around which I had not wanted to do since I felt like shit but had to do anyway. We get to my college, the husband is thinking of enrolling in classes but he has to do a whole bunch of shit so I was sitting with the kids in the main lobby... Well I was sitting they were running in different directions and wouldn't listen when I told their asses to sit down. Any way one of the campus cops comes up and starts talking to my 4 year old. This THRILLS my 4 year old to no end because he loves cops. My 2 year old walks up and smiles at the cop, this is different for her because she is usually very shy when meeting new people and hides behind me. She says "I learned a new word." and the cop says "Oh yeah and what word was that?" Without missing a beat my worst fears come out of her mouth as she says "Bullshit"

To his credit the campus cop didn't grin and I am thinking 'Don't you dare laugh' and he says to me (because I know him and have spoken to him on many occasions) "Huh she takes after her mom maybe she has a career in law enforcement"

This makes it hard for me not to laugh after learning from a cop in class that cops view everyone as "assholes" and everything as "bullshit" maybe the kid does have a career in law enforcement.

Your gonna cook what?

My grandmother-in-law is an awesome woman. I adore her like you wouldn't believe. So the one day here and I were talking about cooking. How we both love to cook and we can make just about anything out of anything. I love walking into my kitchen looking in my cabinets and fridge and pulling out random ingredients and making a damn yummy meal. I am proud of my ability to turn anything into something that is editable. For five years I have been doing this. I mean I can cook from a recipe but it is a huge pain in my ass. Your always stopping to read what to do next. I like the freedom that winging it gives me. Only problem, the rest of my family is hesitant to try the new food. Why after 5 god damn years would you still be hesitant to try my food oh husband of mine. I have never served you something that tasted like crap in fact you ask me to remake these things over and over again. (course I can never make it the same way again cause you know no recipe)

So my wonderful grandmother-in-law told me she used to do the same thing and she would tell my grandfather-in-law that it was an old family recipe and he would eat it no questions asked. So I have started doing this and guess what... no questions asked. Now I get to wing it and they will eat it. When they ask me what it's called I wing it.

So with this new found freedom I have come up with some interesting concoxions the family fave seems to be "Mexican casserole surprise" this is one that I get asked to make repeatedly. There was one day I was going for chicken soup it turned out to be chicken and rice cause I added to much rice... but it was a hit. People I am telling you, you don't have to be a gourmet chef to make some banging meals for your family. You can turn anything into a good meal with a little spice a little of this and a little of that and a whole lotta love. *gag*

So I was told I should include an idea of what I mean by all this so you all can have the old family recipe of Mexican Casserole Surprise

Chicken
salsa con queso
Verde sauce
tortias
cheese
rice
black olives
sour cream
taco seasoning

preheat your oven to 375 so cook up the rice and dice and brown the chicken rip up the tortias and put them bitches down in a 9x13 pan I recommend a brownie like pan with the sides. Spice your chicken to taste then  take your rice and mix that to taste with salsa con queso and Verde sauce put that over your tortias and lay down your chicken your cheese your olives, tomatoes what ever taco crap you want on it though if you are going with lettuce save that till after it comes out of the oven. same with the sour cream. top with more ripped up tortias and then stick it in the oven until its heated through and the cheese is all melty pull it out slap on your lettece and sour cream and serve it up.


No notice there was no measurements and you can make it up anyway you want I just gave you the basics hope you enjoy it! 

Mommy ninja

What the hell? I thought I had some time here to spell things out that I didn't want to say because I knew if I said it the kid would freak out. Words like park, ice cream, shower, bed time are spelled to the other parent so that they know the plan but the kid is kept in the dark in case you have something else going on or wish to tag team said child into going to bed. However the kid is smart now when you spell park he is all like "OMG PARK I WANNA GO TO THE PARK" hollering at the top of his lungs. Yes the kid can spell now and mommy is not happy.

 Now my mommy ninjaness has been reduced in skill slightly. Now I have to find new ways to be sneaky as shit. You know how I do that? Code words! When refering to things that children would really want to do or not do we use code words such as, "Dear could you take the kids to the thingy with the thingy ma bobs" hubby generally gets the idea and takes kids to the park. ice cream "brain freeze" bedtime has become "Hey its 8 its that time for the thing where we get peace and quiet." works like a charm. 

There are other ways to be a mommy ninja. Say if your child doesn't like vegtables or fruits hiding them in other foods such as pureeing squash and hiding it in mac n'cheese apples in bread there are many ways to mask the taste in other foods. 

My children have come to realize that mommy ninja has eyes in the back of her head. This is perhaps the most useful tool a mother develops after having kids. The ability to see what your child is up to is one of my fave ninja abilities. My kids have a hard time getting away with things and usually by the looks on their faces I don't need eyes in the back of my head to know which one was is the guilty party. 

The mom has super hearing as well, cause I know when they are being quiet it means shit just got serious. Quiet children means they are doing something they know they shouldn't be and are being quiet in an attempt to not draw my attention but in a house with two children quiet is generally not a good thing and therefore draws mommies attention rather quickly. Shhh though don't tell my kids this or they will wise up and be loud again and then I will lose another momma ninja ability! 

All in all I think Mommy ninja develop when the child is born it is a genetic trait that is activated when a child is born you just have to know how to tap into it. 

Bitches need to shut up

So took the little man to school with me, what the fuck is with this shit where he is all saint like sitting in class watching a DVD on my lap top and the only time he says anything is right in the middle of class when he has to pee... keep in mind he just went pee 30 minutes earlier before class. But what ever he was a good boy, made momma proud then pissed. He can't be that well behaved all the time? I mean really? What the hell the kid is loud and runs around making these annoying as hell noises the he THINKS sounds like a fucking train but really it sounds like nails on a fucking chalk board and leave everyone with a damn headache. Maybe it was the fear I would whoop his ass if he misbehaved in class. I mean I would like beat him or anything but the threat works wonders sometimes. Anyway so now that you know that I can get on with the rest of my post.

He came with me on Monday and I had class again Wednesday, now mind you everyone seemed to adore my kid specially the girls he flirted with in my classes and boy did he flirt. Anyway so end of one class I hear these chicks talking... "Can't believe she brought that kid Monday he was such a distraction"

Distraction? The kid sat there and didn't say shit fuck you bitch. Well they didn't know I was behind them and I wasn't saying anything at least not yet.

"Can you believe she just made his sit there and watch a movie he should have been up and moving kids are supposed to be active"

Wait so you would rather he have been running around making those annoying as shit noises.

As they continue the assault on my parenting skills I decided I had enough.

"Hey, yeah the girl you are talking about. How about you talk about this shit to my face" *trying not to laugh at the looks on their faces they are silent* "What to scared to say shit to my face, its better when you think I am not here? I know neither one of you are mothers and therefore don't know shit so please shut the fuck up no one cares about you god damn opinions of their parenting"