Ah Bipolar Disorder, how wonderful would my life be if I didn't have it. Bi Polar disorder is characterized as periods of depression interspersed with periods of Mania.
So what is a day like for a person with Bi-polar well that all depends there are two types of Bipolar disorder I could go into full detail about that but I am not going to. On days that I am depressed there seems to be different levels to my depression. There are days I can function do what I need to do but I just can't find any joy in anything. There are days that it is excruciatingly hard to get out of bed because my body just doesn't want to move. This is where my problems with alcohol come in these are the days I want a drink so bad because I want the pain to stop.
On the days I am Manic watch the hell out. I am energized, wired, almost hyper. I talk fast, I move quickly, I run around trying to get everything done. Cook, clean, run around, do my errands I have been putting off, go out with the kids. I am euphoric almost happy. I don't sleep, I hardly eat and sometimes have to be reminded to eat but I am really not hungry.
So how does this effect my kids?
Well, my kids see me in my ups and downs and I think sometimes it makes them feel a little confused they never know which mood mommy will be in on any given day.
It can be confusing for them and they don't always understand. Sometimes I think that they think it's their fault that mommy is having a hard time. It's not of course but, as they are so young they don't understand. I have tried to reassure them that it's not their fault that mommy just has bad days.
How does this affect my marriage?
Well it makes things harder as sometimes my husband doesn't understand that same days are just bad for me and I need to take it easy. I get accused of not caring and not wanting to spend time with him. Sex is few and far between because I just have no interest. This makes him frustrated. He doesn't know which mood I will be in either. Sometimes I am angry and it gets directed at him. Tempers wear thin between us both and it leads to fighting.
Life isn't easy when you have Bi Polar disorder the ups and the downs can leave those around you with whip lash. With a little patients and understanding from those around you it can be a little easier. Relationships however are tested and strained when those around you don't understand or want you to be different.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
An Open Letter
Dear you,
Yes you, I am talking to you mom's the ones that have mental illnesses. Those that feel like they need to be perfect, those of you that are so stressed out you don't know what to do with yourselves. I am talking to you.
Stop being so hard on yourself. *snort* okay that was horrible to say cause what I am going to write some letter that is going to be so insperational that all your problems are just going to go away. Right cause I am just that good. Nah let's get sierous here for a moment. I know what you are going through maybe not your indivdual situation but I know. I am there, right now ready to pull my hair out, I am right there trying to hold it all together well inside you are falling apart. I know what you are going through and you arn't alone.
People like to tell us to get help, or to stop being so... so us because they don't know how to handle it don't know how to give you support the way you need and most of us are to scared or stubborn to tell them how they can help or hell we may not even know until they do something that helps.
This is hard enough to deal with when you don't have kids but we are moms, we have a child(ren) so there is someone depending on us. This makes everything so much worse because all we want to do is be everything for our child(ren) but some times we just can't. I can't tell you how many days I have been unable to be there fully for my children. I have spent some days where all I can do is the basic necessities but everything else is just to much and I hate myself for it. Somedays I look in the mirror and I hate myself with a passion because I am not who I want to be.
"Well if you don't want to be that way make a change" that isn't easy, and somedays I don't feel like it's worth it to try because dealing with mental illness isn't just oh here I will get pills and be fine because for some that may work but for others it doesn't battling mental illness is always an on going process.
The other night I attended a support group for sexual abuse/assault survivors I go every week and one girl said "What's the point in trying, we are always going to be damaged, always going to have issues for the rest of our lives it seems like all we do is fight and fight to heal and we make a little progress and then we are right back where we started or worse off then we were before what's the point?" I realized then that I was right there with her and I hadn't known that until she said it that I feel that exact same way too. What is the point? For the rest of my life I will have flash backs and nightmares for the rest of my life what I went through will taint my life because of lasting physical and psychological scars. "It gets better" at least that is what we are told but when does it get better? When will I be able to look at the world and not be scared to death that something like that will happen again or worse yet to my daughter. Does it get better? Truly better? "Only time can tell" I am sick of putting in so much time it's been 6 years, 6 years I have been fighting and trying to get to a place where I am not so messed up in the head and god damnit I am tired, I am so tired.
It's not easy, no... not easy at all. We try so hard to push through our lives but are we really there? Can we enjoy it fully? I don't know, I don't think I am there. I get discourged, because just when I think I can start enjoying my life again something happens and I am thrown right back into the middle of the pain.
Do we keep fighting? Do we spend our lives fighting and never being able to relax? I don't know if I can do that can you?
People like to tell us to get help, or to stop being so... so us because they don't know how to handle it don't know how to give you support the way you need and most of us are to scared or stubborn to tell them how they can help or hell we may not even know until they do something that helps.
This is hard enough to deal with when you don't have kids but we are moms, we have a child(ren) so there is someone depending on us. This makes everything so much worse because all we want to do is be everything for our child(ren) but some times we just can't. I can't tell you how many days I have been unable to be there fully for my children. I have spent some days where all I can do is the basic necessities but everything else is just to much and I hate myself for it. Somedays I look in the mirror and I hate myself with a passion because I am not who I want to be.
"Well if you don't want to be that way make a change" that isn't easy, and somedays I don't feel like it's worth it to try because dealing with mental illness isn't just oh here I will get pills and be fine because for some that may work but for others it doesn't battling mental illness is always an on going process.
The other night I attended a support group for sexual abuse/assault survivors I go every week and one girl said "What's the point in trying, we are always going to be damaged, always going to have issues for the rest of our lives it seems like all we do is fight and fight to heal and we make a little progress and then we are right back where we started or worse off then we were before what's the point?" I realized then that I was right there with her and I hadn't known that until she said it that I feel that exact same way too. What is the point? For the rest of my life I will have flash backs and nightmares for the rest of my life what I went through will taint my life because of lasting physical and psychological scars. "It gets better" at least that is what we are told but when does it get better? When will I be able to look at the world and not be scared to death that something like that will happen again or worse yet to my daughter. Does it get better? Truly better? "Only time can tell" I am sick of putting in so much time it's been 6 years, 6 years I have been fighting and trying to get to a place where I am not so messed up in the head and god damnit I am tired, I am so tired.
It's not easy, no... not easy at all. We try so hard to push through our lives but are we really there? Can we enjoy it fully? I don't know, I don't think I am there. I get discourged, because just when I think I can start enjoying my life again something happens and I am thrown right back into the middle of the pain.
Do we keep fighting? Do we spend our lives fighting and never being able to relax? I don't know if I can do that can you?
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